When I was younger everyone won. That’s right, as long as you tried you got a trophy. Sure, it might say participation on the bottom, but who reads those anyway? The fair is a harsh reminder that we don’t always win. It doesn’t matter how many wads of twenty dollar bills you have if you can’t knock over those milk bottles. It’s not a game of skill, it’s a test to see how stupid we are. This is ‘Merica, I can have that $0.05 stuffed animal for $50 if I want to.
2. Carnies Want You Dead.
I am certain that carnies carry with them a vengeance. Here’s the story: They lost their parents as children in strange and horrific fair accidents. This prompted them to spend their entire lives working to become a carnie. What that entails the world may never know. Anyways, they finally land themselves their dream job: Ferris Wheel Technician. While you are happily watching the colors of the fair slip past your safe little cart, the carnie is plotting your death. His idle fingers hover over the stop and start buttons as he plays God, deciding who will live and who will die.
3. The Fair is Not Romantic.
Okay ladies, let’s be real honest here, movies made us feel like we are supposed to fall in love at the fair. Movies like the Notebook where Noah climbs up the side of a ferris wheel just to ask Ally on a date make our hearts skip a beat. Let’s fast forward to real life: you paid $10 to rid the ferris wheel for 2 minutes, children and crying and the teenagers in front of you are giggling. You close your eyes, lean in for a kiss and suddenly the carnie pulls the lever. But don’t be discouraged, the view of Gulfport is lovely at night.
4. The Fair = The Club?
Fairs are most often designed to cater to families. As such, it would stand to reason that there will probably be quite a few children at a fair. Does that matter to some women? Not even a little. These women are walking around in their 1997 jean mini-skirts with their hair blown out likes it’s the 80’s and roses on their ankles. Call me crazy, but I don’t think there are strapping young gentlemen waiting to swoon the ladies at Octoberfest in Gulfport. Just kidding, people were getting married there….and divorced.
5. It’s college or the fair, kids.
Time for a simple night of old-fashioned family fun? Think again. You’re going to need to dip into the kids college savings fund for this one. If you want to sit through watching your children go on every ride that spins 50 times that’s going to cost you roughly the amount of a new car. If you want food you can kiss college goodbye. Yes, the fair is a magical place where food, fun and friends come together to form a money pit so dangerous you’d swear the government was in on it.
In all seriousness though, we had a great time at the OctoberFest in Gulfport! We played, ate and rode rides until we were sick. Now we just have to break the news to our cat….we used his food money to win a RastaBannana.